your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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