I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
