is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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