I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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