hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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