Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
