You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
