I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
