This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
