FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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