How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
