That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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