My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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