Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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