I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
