matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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