Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You took a bar mat shot.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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