i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
