Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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