Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
