i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
