i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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