Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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