I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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