When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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