I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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