honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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