So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
