If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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