Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
