A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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