laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
