God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
