He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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