I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
