Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
