I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
