i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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