Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
