He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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