We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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