My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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