when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
