and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
