I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
