Having a random hookup so left but love u
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
