I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
