***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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