we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need to sanitize my soul.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
