I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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