got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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