it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
