my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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