I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
