i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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