Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
