I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
