When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
